Personal Journal of Ling Yao's Journal|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in
Personal Journal of Ling Yao's LiveJournal:
|Tuesday, December 4th, 2007|
|Thursday, September 20th, 2007|
I suppose it comes as no surprise that the more I sit and think about what I'd like to say to her, the fewer words come to mind. My strong desire to communicate my feelings leads to frustration when I realize words cannot express the depth of what I feel. No amount of clever metaphor could even come close.
I feel clumsy with words. I've been told I've always been a good speaker, but I believe it less and less these days. More often than not I don't know what to say to her when I want to show her my love. I want to tell her how much she means to me, but there's nothing I can say that could come close. I speak, and I lament how shallow my words sound when I hear them. They can't even brush the surface. They can't reach far enough.
I feel clumsy with my body. I never know if I'm holding her close enough, or if I'm being too gentle. My hands are so rough, and her skin is so soft... Sometimes I wish I had the hands of a nobleman-- soft, and sensitive. Could I feel closer that way? She says she loves my hands, though.
She says she loves my eyes. I still can't understand it. She calls them 'unusual', though in my family, the color isn't uncommon. And their shape has always been fierce and narrow-- I fear that I cannot look at her with the expression I wish to show. Her face is so expressive-- her eyes are so large, and so deep... She's so honest, even when she lies to me. And my face lies, even when I'm being honest.
I love her. Oh, how I love her.
-- Ling Yao
|Saturday, January 20th, 2007|
I had thought for some time that I had truly lost what wanderlust I once posessed. It felt like forever since I had any inclination to see what lay past the horizon, and venturing to market seemed quite enough to satisfy what stirrings of an adventuring spirit that remained.
Truthfully, I hadn't wanted to leave. I certainly didn't want to leave
her. But within an hour of time spent in another world, the knowledge that I didn't have to return home by any certain time was liberating. I seemed to spend more time looking to the sky than staring at the ground, and since that time I have felt lighter, and yet, firmly attached to the ground. That balance of spirit I had lacked for so long... how could I have not noticed it was missing?
But all things are not repaired. Still there is a matter of trust to address-- not in her, but in the circumstances that surround her. It is difficult still to have faith that she is alright without me there. Of course, whether I am present or not tends to have little to do with anything, considering how very outclassed I am by those things that threaten her. Sometimes I wonder if I should continue to seek immortality...
I am not completely without use, however. That pirate whose troublesome nature is only matched in level by his skill at cooking continues to tread on my toes with his flirting and special treatment of her, but at the very least I feel that if need be, I shall be able to put him in his place. For her sake I likely won't injure him critically, should things get that far. I doubt they will, but he seemed dissatisfied with the results of our scuffle. I will welcome his attempt to even the score, as any justified opportunity to injure him further will be more than satisfying.
It irritates me still to think he is staying with her in our apartment. When I told him to check in on her, I meant just to make sure she's alright and didn't need anything. I will behead him if he takes advantage of her hospitality.
I ran into those brothers not long after I departed. Specifically, I found the elder hiding outside of a restaurant. I never did find out how they'd managed to get into trouble without me there, so I will ask next time.
More troublesome, however, is that they mentioned a former competitor for immortality had returned, and was not pleased. His grudge against those brothers, the elder warned, may be carried over on to those they consider friends. Though touched that they should consider me a friend, and sure that I shall be careful in my travels, I worry more for her-- predictably, I suppose. Hopefully the brothers will be discreet when it comes to their relations to her.
Not all of my encounters with others have been violent or grave, however. I ran into others from that pirate's crew on the beaches of Besaid. A strange group they are, from a bizarre world. I gleaned what information I could from them, and Miss V. seemed interested in diplomatic relations with Xing. It may be worth it for my brother to consider such things, for whatever my opinion is worth to him.
She joined me on the beach that evening. Though it had been but two days, my heart ached so painfully to hear her voice, and to speak with her only augmented the lonely feeling I'd had. Our conversation lead to her arrival-- such a childish thing, for us to need each other so desperately. It's shameful to admit I'd had doubts about what it is we really have together, but those doubts have since fled far, far away. I love her more than anything in this world, and slowly I am coming to understand her feelings for me-- or more accurately, coming to finally trust and believe in them.
-- Ling Yao
|Thursday, December 28th, 2006|
It has become apparent to me that I should have asked her to be more specific about the nature of this festival. I have recieved a multitude of gifts at this point, and I am at a severe loss as to how to return the favor.
Sword and meal -- from Miss Y. This seems as if it were an expensive gift. I will have to find something of equal worth. Though I am loathe to ask her for any of it, the jewelry that mother sent with the furniture may have something Miss Y. would appreciate.
Archery set -- from U. I. Unfortunately, the bow is now missing, as that strange man wandered off with it. I won't tell Mister I. until I can retrieve it. The question, however, is how to find him... As for Mister I., I will see what L. can help me aquire from Xing.
Redeemable Certificate for Charlene's Restaraunt -- from Y. S. Though I'm not precisely sure of how one goes about using this, I have some idea. This was a kind, thoughtful gift. I must ask her what kinds of things Mister S. enjoys.
Book of Earth's Recorded History -- from A. R. This seems as if it will come in very useful. While I could easily procure a similar book of Xingese history for him, I have some doubt he's very interested. Perhaps I will see if I can find a translated book on meditation and focus for him.
Chopsticks -- from R. K. They have koi carved into them. I wonder how she knew? What has she been telling her friends..? A useful gift, however. I must inquire as to her other interest and hobbies. Perhaps I'll ask her elder brother.
Shirt -- from T. A. I always appreciate more clothing, given my limited resources. This was very nice. Then, some kind of clothing in return..?
Carved statuette -- from A. O. I do like souveniers from other countries! I wonder where this is from, specifically. I will have to find a way to ask. Surely I can find something similar for her. It looks as if I may have to send L. out shopping...
'Get Out of Punching Free' card -- from I. K. ..... I am really at a loss as to what to think of this. Many uses come to mind, but... really, I'm not sure. Perhaps I'll offer him a similar card with a promise that I'll allow him to catch me in the first place.
'Guide to the Jeweled Horizon' by Emperor Do Wen Cheng -- From A.S. The insulting implications of this are clear. More worriesome to me, however, is that he was able to procure this in the first place-- the inner seal shows it is from the Imperial library from the capital... returning it would be too much of a hassle, and in my opinion, the library is better off without it.
Despite my embarassment at recieving so many things and having nothing to return, the days spent with only her company have been some of the best I can recall. She has stood patiently by my side through all I have been through in these long months, and I grow more amazed every day that she can withstand the weight of it all. The doubts I harbor about the choices I've made slip away as I grow used to knowing that she will always be there for me, whether I know that I need her or not.
No matter what it takes, I will somehow regain the honor I have lost in the eyes of my family. I will have her as my wife, and I will prove that I was not mistaken to choose this twisted path.
I refuse to believe that we will not survive long enough to achieve this goal.
|Tuesday, December 26th, 2006|
It has not yet been explained to me the significance of the multiple gifts I have recieved from various friends and aquaintances. She hadn't explained the extent of gift-giving on this festival, and it seems I was mistaken in the assumption that one gives primarily to their family.
While this may be an understandable mistake, I'm afraid my pride will not allow me to accept gifts without giving something in return. The issue at hand, unfortunately, is that I've few resources at this time. She may be happy with a mediocre painting, but I cannot imagine that similar things could match the value of what I was given.
A foreign bow was given to me by U. I., along with a number of arrows. I have not held a bow in some time, and while it is not as elegant as a Xingese bow, I should likely try to recall what I know and see how far my skills have fallen. If I am not a complete disgrace to the art, I may consider finding a horse.
Miss Y. gave me a lovely gift as well. A meal from her native land, as well as a finely crafted blade. The inscriptions gave the impression that it was merely decorative, but closer inspection revealed that it is well forged and quite sharp. The balance is not what I am used to, so it will take time to get used to this foreign stranger. I've not determined the purpose of the inscriptions yet; I should likely inquire the next time we have chance to speak.
Y. S. gave me something interesting-- a redeemable certificate for service at a restaurant not terribly far away. Admittedly, what strikes me as odd is that none thought to simply give currency for such things. But perhaps restricting the use is intended. She and I don't go out to eat very often, so perhaps this is a good opportunity.
I may write of her gifts to me at a later time.
-- Ling Yao
|Thursday, December 21st, 2006|
The past few weeks have been unremarkable. In truth, this is preferable to me; I have seen enough excitement for now, and the stillness of whatever wandering spirit I may have posessed is a welcome change.
I would prefer that the events I've experienced prior to these empty weeks fade into obscurity and become things forgotten, by both myself and those around me. I would not pretend it never happened, but there is no more use in recalling it in such vivid detail, now. It is the past, and I'll not write of it here.
Mother sent us furniture. I suspect most of was taken from unused rooms at the estate, as it obviously isn't brand new, and I cannot imagine that she would consider spending any money on our behalf-- or at least, mine. There are a few items among what was shipped, however, that I refuse to give much thought to. A few strings of pearls and jade, hair combs set with precious stones, a mirror, and other small trinkets were sent in a box for her. I recieved only a few books and a note that I am surprised did not catch fire the moment I laid hands upon it.
Sometimes I wonder if my family has not decided that my only worth is as a husband to her, so that they might further solidify their ties and keep her good favor and use it to retain power. I, least of all, doubt the power and reach of her charisma-- but I am loathe to allow her to become too mired in the affairs of the court. There are days I am grateful for my brother's foolishness from earlier this year... it would not do for her to trust that man, no matter his current station.
I know not where my life will lead, from here. My failure stole the reigns from my hands, and I seem to have no need nor inclination to pick them up again.
-- Ling Yao
|Wednesday, November 15th, 2006|
I am having trouble putting my thoughts into words today.
I'll try to be more descriptive tomorrow.
A blank page is unsightly.
-- Ling Yao
|Monday, November 13th, 2006|
We moved into a new apartment yesterday.
She insisted that it was 'our' place, and that I should have the right to decorate it and use the space as I see fit. I am not much of a decorator, so I may still leave that to her-- I have very few posessions here, anyway, so it would hardly be fitting for me to arrange her things. Likewise, L. has very little right now, but she will be offered the guest room as residence for as long as she wishes. If she really intends to stay, perhaps she may consider sending for her things from home.
She then offered to allot a certain amount of her income to me, as spending money. I cannot imagine what I would spend it on, and I turned down her offer anyway. No matter what she says, I cannot feel that this place is shared if I am still living on her immediate charity.
At this time, requesting funds from my family is out of the question. I wonder if I should even have access to anything I own again. I know my family is not cruel, but I truly have failed to follow through on what was essentially a vow to them that I would succeed and take the throne.
Regardless of my status in Xing at this time, it is likely necessary for me to start working to pay for my own upkeep. Whether she can comfortably afford to keep me and my appetite isn't really the issue. It is a matter of pride, at this point, and I'll be damned if I cannot support myself like any other man.
I should like to think that at this point Miss S. would be willing to do me the favor of finding me some kind of work-- whether as a model, like she suggested, or through 'Pulse', so long as I can earn money, I should like to think I can submit myself to her eccentric tastes for hours on end.
I suppose I should also start devoting my attentions towards school, as well. If I am to understand correctly, at this rate I will not move on to the next 'grade' with everyone else. She has offered to tutor me, and it seems I may have to take her up on this offer. English, Arithmatic, and even Japanese Literature have not been terribly difficult, but I remain at a loss when it comes to the history, geography, and politics of this nation and of this world as a whole. It's irritating to feel that the knowledge I gained in my years of study is going to waste here, but there is little to be done about it.
Mother sent word she intends to visit within the month. I dread this with every fiber of my being.
-- Ling Yao
|Friday, November 10th, 2006|
Allow me to wax poetic momentarily, if you would-- but I've found myself wondering, time and time again, if there isn't a force more powerful and centering than that which we know as 'gravity'. A force that reaches beyond the physical and pulls our minds and hearts back to where they belong-- to the center of our lives.
It never fails that she need only look at me with those large, beautiful eyes before I am drawn back to her, my thoughts and troubles left behind as I submerge myself in her embrace. Often it feels childish-- a grown man needn't seek refuge in the arms of a woman, after all.
However... she also has a way of dispelling the illusions I wrap around myself. For all my posturing and so-called bravery, she has never seen me as anything more than who, I suppose, I really am. She has never judged my moments of weakness, nor been fooled by false smiles.
Perhaps, then, this is why she does not look at me with disappointment etched into her features. Despite my many failings, she thinks no less of me than she ever did. Maybe it is partly due to the fact she never saw me as much of a prince in the first place. To her, nothing has changed, has it? Or maybe it has, but in a way that pleases her.
I should try not to be hurt by the idea that she will be happier that I am not Emperor. I've thought from the very beginning that the life of an Empress, or even just as an Emperor's wife, should be difficult for her. I had thought to leave her, even, to spare her from it. But ever did she plead with me, and convince me that no matter what, all she wanted was to be with me.
Of course I believed her-- how could I not?
Yet still I wonder... I wonder how much she truly understands, even now. From what she's written and what she's said, she sees fit to die, if she needs to. For her battle-- one she was engaged in before she ever saw my face. This battle is one I have ever been a miniscule part of. I should not be so arrogant as to believe my abduction to Hueco Mundo or the assault on Xing prior was any sign that I am at all important. In such a war, I am not a general of any sort-- only a humble swordsman, somewhere down on the front lines. Necessary, perhaps, as any soldier is necessary in a war, but expendable without a second thought.
Thoughts like these give me unrest.
I don't want to die. I don't want /her/ to die. And while one would believe months and months of exposure to this kind of threat would get me used to the idea, I still cannot accept it. I remain powerless and helpless against that which she would stand against, and I am struck with paralyzing fear that death will take her from me.
The very thought still terrifies me, but I should like to believe that I would rather die in her arms than lose her, somehow. The afterlife, no matter what assurances I've found in Karakura, remain an unknown to me. I don't want to leave her. But if there's even the slightest chance that past death, we might be together... I pray I would not give up. I pray /she/ would not give up.
This entry is heavy with dark expression-- for that, I apologize, to whomever it is aside from myself that would ever read this. Imagine instead, then, a day by the side of the Senhuang river in autumn, with her standing barefoot on the shore, leaves floating in the air around her head as they fall like dancers from the trees nearby.
In my mind, I hear the sound of bells.
-- Ling Yao
|Wednesday, November 8th, 2006|
I am not the type to keep a journal such as this.
However, it was suggested by the old man that it may help me focus these thoughts of mine that distract and confuse me. My life, as it is now, is confusing enough. My path has become obscured by doubt and distraction, and I have been forced to second-guess my own purpose-- whether heaven-dictated or self proposed, I've lost direction. I suppose at this point I am willing to try new things-- I've little left to lose, after all.
But I am not so far gone nor selfish as to believe that I /have/ lost everything. I am still alive, my country is still there, and I have someone who still looks at me with eyes filled with warmth and affection.
These three things I will continue to protect with all the strength I have-- and all three of these things are ever in danger from this vast, infinite existance. I am not yet free to relax or able to let go of my responsibility.
I will one day find the power I seek to protect that which is important to me. Until that time, I will seek other means of protecting these precious things. At the cost of my pride or perhaps at the cost of my morals, who can know? After all, I've already taken a step along an uneven path, for her sake.
(The rest of the paragraph is scribbled out, here)
How curious that I cannot even trust a journal with my deeper thoughts. Perhaps in time I'll come to feel more comfortable documenting these feelings, plans, and aspirations.
I would apologize, but I still am not sure to whom I am writing.
-- Ling Yao